Epic Rant: My Beef With the Cable Company.
So I have a cable internet / phone package at home, and our telephone service went kaput a week ago. After hours on the phone and a serviceman coming out to our home last Saturday, it was determined that we needed a new modem. The guy didn’t have one, so another person was scheduled to deliver it. That was three days ago. After bouts of complaining to someone in a call center somewhere overseas, I asked to speak to a manager, and I went off on him. His name was Philip, and to the best of my memory, this is how our conversation went down. I’m not exaggerating at all, I really did this:
Philip: RCN, this is Philip. Mr. Reddy I understand you were supposed to have a modem delivered today and that a technician did not arrive at your home.
Sridhar: Yes, Philip. I’ve been waiting over 48 hours for your technician to drop this off. You’ve given me an all-day window, and I’ve been at home waiting for your man to arrive. Can you please explain this to me. It’s incredibly frustrating.
Philip: I understand, Mr. Reddy. But according to our records the technician came to your home at 5:30pm, and said that there was no access.
Sridhar: Wait - it’s 5:45pm right now.
Philip: Yes, Mr.Reddy.
Sridhar: That means in the twenty minutes I’ve been on the phone with you, your man was here fifteen minutes ago?
Philip: Yes, Mr.Reddy.
Sridhar: Are you kidding me? My doorbell didn’t ring. I’ve been here the whole time. And you mean to tell me that his status is already registered on your computer?
Philip: Maybe your doorbell isn’t working, Mr. Reddy. It says here that he had no access.
Sridhar: Are you calling me a liar? My doorbell works fine. I got a FedEx delivery an hour ago. And what is this no access? He has my cell contact. Why didn’t he call? Did he just stand outside my apartment and expect the door to open itself magically?
Philip: No, Mr.Reddy. I don’t know. But we can reschedule an appointment tomorrow.
Sridhar: Tomorrow? I just spent 48 hours waiting for your man who doesn’t even have the common sense to ring the doorbell, and you’re asking me to wait another 24 hours for him?
Philip: I’m sorry, Mr. Reddy. I understand your frustration. I’ll put a note on the order that he should ring the doorbell.
Sridhar: You’re what? Dude, a six year old selling Girl Scout cookies has more than enough common sense to understand that to get into someone’s house, you need to ring the doorbell. It’s not rocket science.
Philip: I’m just trying to make this process as smooth as possible, Mr. Reddy. I understand your frustration. If I was in your shoes I’d feel the same way.
Sridhar: No, Philip. You don’t understand what it’s like to be in my shoes. But you know what, Philip? I’m going to help you. Philip let me ask you a question.
Philip: What is it, Mr. Reddy?
Sridhar: How was your day?
Philip: Excuse me?
Sridhar: How was your day?
Philip: My day was fine.
Sridhar: I’m happy for you, Philip. I really am. Now ask me how my day was.
Philip: (pauses) How was your day, Mr. Reddy.
Sridhar: My day? I’m glad you asked. Let me tell you how my day was. My day was pretty shitty. I’ve had to wait two days for a monopolized cable company to deliver a modem to my house. Two days. Forty-eight hours. And they didn’t give me a time as to when it would be delivered, they just said “some time between sun up and sun down.” And you know what? They still haven’t delivered it because their bonehead technician lacks the common sense to ring the doorbell to find out if someone is at home. And that just reeks of stupidity, or either that the technician is lying to his employers. And I hate liars, Philip. I really do. It compounds the stupidity of this entire situation I’m in. Here I am, calling you, you in your BPO call center somewhere in Manila or Kuala Lumpur - wait, don’t interrupt me, Philip - I’m Indian and I know this outsourcing crap like the back of my hand. I have good friends who were on that NBC television sitcom Outsourced and you should be thankful that because of them, I understand the people on the other end of the line are just doing their job and for the most part are nice folks. But I just want to talk to someone in Chicago, Philip. That’s all. Is it too much to ask? But NO, my request gets ferreted around a global computer system that can’t detect tone or need. Instead it registers addendums like “please ring doorbell to find out if customer is home.” That frustrates me, Philip. Frustrates me a lot. Is this what our human interaction has become? You’re a man, Philip. So am I. We’re talking right now, but are we really? You’ve been reading prompts off your little computer screen with no feeling or sincerity, and here I am on the other end, a slave to whatever impersonal directions your computer tells me. In your heart, you probably want to help me. But see, you’re not allowed by the company you work for to say that. Because saying that would fuck up your entire customer support algorithm. And that sucks, Philip. And that’s a large part of why I’m having a shitty day.
Philip: I’m sorry to hear that, Mr. Reddy.
Sridhar: No. No you’re not. You’re probably thinking you’d wish for this ranting idiot to get off the phone so you can move on in life. You’re thinking what did I do to deserve this lunatic, of how you’d rather be somewhere else doing something meaningful. You’re probably in that place right now, Philip. In your head. That’s very existential of you.
Philip: I’m not sure I understand, Mr. Reddy.
Sridhar: Here’s my point Philip. I wanted to do this because I want you to experience what it feels like when someone wastes your time. I just took four minutes of your life. Your company took two days of mine. Now you know what it’s like to be in my shoes.
Philip: (pauses) Mr. Reddy I will make sure to write up your complaint-
Sridhar: You know what Philip? Don’t do that. Don’t waste your time. Be productive. Do you think anyone is going to read my complaint? Do you think your CEO - who makes more money than you and I could ever make in our lifetimes, will give a rat’s ass if someone complains? If I take my business away it’s a fart in the breeze for him. You’re just another talking head in his outsourced empire. He doesn’t care if we’re happy or dissatisfied. He doesn’t know you and I even exist. Our tribulations don’t mean shit to him, so save your time and don’t write anything. I want you to enjoy the time you have. Go home and make love to your girlfriend or boyfriend. Call your parents and tell them you love them. Promise me that, Philip.
Philip: Promise what, Mr. Reddy.
Sridhar: That you’ll go home and make love to your girlfriend or boyfriend, that you’re going to call your parents and tell them you love them. Promise me, Philip.
Philip: Uh, I promise, Mr. Reddy.
Sridhar: Don’t lie to me, Phil. Don’t imbibe the shitty qualities that your employer has bestowed upon you. I want you to promise me that, and also that I will receive a call from your technician at 8am sharp, or I will take my business elsewhere and ask for compensation for my lost time.
Philip: I will make a note of it, Mr. Reddy.
Sridhar: Philip. Philip Philip Philip. This is it. We’re done. This is what we call diminishing returns. The more time we spend on this, the less time we spend living our lives. I’m through with cable, Philip. Thank you for making me see the light. Thank you for allowing me to grab control back from the reigns of your oligarchy. I need to be more productive and take in less negative and cynical garbage that’s on television. Have you seen The Real Housewives of Orange County, Philip?
Philip: I have not, Mr. Reddy.
Sridhar: Of course you haven’t. What was I thinking. You’re in a call center in Belarus or Namibia or wherever the fuck you are. I’m sorry I’ve laid into you like this. I bear you no ill will, Philip.
Philip: Thank you, Mr. Reddy.
Sridhar: But I fucking hate your company.
And that was that. I’m canceling my plan and going to a cable-free household, effective immediately. I don’t want my hard earned dollars supporting a company and culture that doesn’t respect the time and feelings of their customers. I feel like this burden has been lifted off my shoulders, and that a new chapter of my life is about to begin. It’s been a month of ends of era: Lilith finished, Harry Potter finished, and now my excision of cable television. Here’s to new beginnings.
38 notes
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novabuttz reblogged this from lilithfilm
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angbeen said:
That was beautiful. I wanted to cry.
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bipolarfairy said:
OMG, this was probably the funniest thing I have ever read! Well, at least today. haha. I hope your connection problem is working out fine! hahahahaha!
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bipolarfairy reblogged this from lilithfilm and added:
read this.Possibly one
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imnothinginparticular said:
LOL
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imnothinginparticular liked this
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cryptocleveland said:
I never had cable until they switched to HD and my analog set couldn’t pick up the broadcast networks anymore. Also, the cable company has a physical office where you could walk in and pick up the modem in person.
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thylacine-tiger liked this
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chuckmeister8 said:
That, sir, was perhaps the finest rant that I’ve ever read. Maybe if we all stopped giving those fools our money, then maybe shit like the Real Housewives will disappear and TV will once again become a place for good, artful entertainment. Maybe.
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lilithfilm posted this
